CP 176 Death by nonsense

CP 176 Death by nonsense

Hello friends… in last week’s CrossPurposes I mentioned that I’d written a personal psalm/prayer about some of the deeper things that can go on inside. I’ve been encouraged by some of you responses to what I wrote last week, so I thought I’d take a risk and share the psalm/prayer with you. It was penned on April 3 at 2.00am. I finally typed it up on April 10. Please note the Postscript.

Death by nonsense

Messiah Jesus, my Lord:

I’m confused.

More than confused, I’m hurting, aching in the heart.

More than aching in the heart

there are long moments it feels like I’m dying,

dying from unfulfilled longing for you.

And what is my problem?

Your nonsense!

Your non-sense.

Rather, my non-sense of you.

There doesn’t seem to be any sense of your shepherd-voice-for-me.

There, Lord, I’ve written it, finally written it.

I’m grateful for the freedom to acknowledge it.

Where are you Lord?

Will you not respond to my heart-cry?

You are silent, Lord Jesus, and I am silenced.

Still I ask… why, why why?

This pain of your non-sense

is more than this bruised reed can take.

The smouldering wick is almost extinguished.

Where are you in my personal life,

in that inner place,

that secret place where I am who I am,

in my heart of hearts?

I know your promises very well.

Doubting those promises is not part of who I am.

“I have come that you may have life… abundantly.”

“My joy will be in you so your joy will be full.”

“My peace I leave with you…”

“My sheep hear my voice…”

“Nothing can separate us from the love of God which…”

How is it Lord,

that the people I shepherd in your name

can receive these promises,

and sense them fulfilled through my words and care,

and yet my own heart perceives only speechlessness?

Sadness threatens to overwhelm me…

isolation and loneliness are my friends.

I’m sick to death of this non-sense, my Lord.

For your name’s sake,

your kingdom’s sake,

for my sake… have mercy on me.

It cannot be in you Lord.

That is simply not how you are.

It is not how I know you,

or how you have revealed yourself.

You are not un-caring, un-heard, un-sensed

by those who call on your name.

Whatever the cause,

I have no idea,

no idea at all,

how to journey on from this strange place,

Except to hang in, hold on, and trust.

Yes, Lord, I know…

I know full well it’s called faith.

There are moments, Jesus, when I realise

I’m sliding on the edge of panic.

I have no ‘centre’ apart from you.

Where then can I go in the face of this silence,

this non-sense?

Only to you, only to you…

You were in this place before me.

“I need your presence, every passing hour,

what but your grace…”

Amen.

Postscript: Strange how light comes. See that line above, “You were in this place before me.” In the early morning hours on April 11, I was thinking about Jesus being unheard on the Cross. Being unheard like that was part of the Lord God’s salvation plan for us. He was unheard so that we could be heard. I can accept, deep within, that my own ‘unheardness’ is used by our Father to help others in their salvation journeys.

Have a good week.

Fred